The so-called "most transparent" president is reaching out to the young folks by taking social media by storm – 140 characters at a time. But why did he wait so long? And what should he actually be tweeting?
The President of the United States has joined Twitter. Yay…? After six years in office, and nine years after the social networking service was launched, President Barack Obama has gotten with the times. And to make his presence known, he immediately entered into a 140-character flame war with the White House’s First Playboy, Bill Clinton.
Baltimore was nearly razed to the ground. North Korea is claiming they have a miniaturized nuclear bomb. And Obama is having a schoolyard dick measuring competition with a former president (who, I hope, won’t be our first First Man of the U.S. – vote Bernie Sanders, y’all).
Obama claimed, “This is the most transparent administration in history” and they even have an entire page dedicated to transparency on the official site of the White House (that I’m sure a team of highly intelligent “experts” were paid handsomely to create). If you know anything about Obama’s support of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, you’ll be LOL-ing at the mere audacity of that statement, but more on that later. So, why didn’t the president up his social media game until now? Anyone from Generation Millennial will tell you that without a Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Tumblr, and Twitter, you’re basically a ghost.
Mr. Transparent should have joined Twitter back when he entered the White House in 2009 (hell, Dunkin' Donuts first tweeted in October of ’08, and they’ve delightfully refused to get with the times, or open a store near my house). If Obama had signed up when he should have, I think this is what he should have tweeted over the years (editorial note: this is an altered image of a POTUS tweet...it's fake, people):
Lest we forget, Obama has had reportedly more than 2,400 people killed with drones as of last year, according to the Bureau of Investigative Journalism. I wish there were more precise numbers, but like our statistics on police killings, the people keeping track aren’t reporting them. I wonder why…
But the president, who ran on Hope and Peace, was a busy beaver two days after he was inaugurated. He authorized a drone for Pakistan that killed between 9 and 11 civilians, including one child. But pobody’s nerfect, amirite? (Again, it's a fake tweet)
Barack Obama isn’t all bad. I mean, c’mon, he loves the McRib (I assume, based on nothing but my own passion for them), and he’s tapping into his Irish heritage (O’Bama) by chugging two Shamrock Shakes on the same day. And if you haven’t tried a McRib with cheese, you aren’t doing it right. (Do we have to have a disclaimer before every fake tweet?)
The man deserves to brag when he’s done a good job, even if the job wasn’t that great. At the very least he accomplished something he promised to do, and a lot of people are insured that otherwise wouldn’t have been. Even Ted Cruz eventually got with the program and applied. And summarily got his ass handed to him for doing so. (Guess what? This next tweet is fake too)
Oh, Gitmo. The camp that just won’t close. The president declared it on the verge of being closed in the 2011 Defense Authorization Bill, but there are still over 100 people detained behind its razor wire fences. Even after the CIA Torture Report enlightened the world on just how dark and dastardly the place truly was, Obama still didn’t seem to make any moves to padlock the gates. Maybe it’ll be his last “goodwill” gesture before he passes off the Oval Office to Hillary (oh god, please, no. Vote Bernie Sanders – if I keep saying it, maybe it’ll come true). (Nope, not a real tweet)
Despite that 8 year, 8 month, 4 week and 1 day detour into Iraq for a war built on false pretenses, Obama finally got the man responsible for the tragedy of 9/11. And we’re finally done with all of the fighting in the Middle East (don’t even bother linking this statement to any news article, because there’s absolutely NOTHING that is applicable here)! (Legal disclaimer: these tweets are fake, by the way)
Hey, he’s the one who called declared his administration the “MOST TRANSPARENT" in history, it’s not a surprise that they’re the most honest, too. Plus, Obama could have run on this as his campaign slogan and still beat Romney. He was riding so high from killing bin Laden. (Yup, fake tweet -- these are jokes, people)
Image Courtesy: Getty Images
U2 sucks. Bono sucks even harder. Obama’s smart enough to know that. Biden unfortunately is not. As much as Vice President Joe Biden has been a team player, he seems to get in the way at the worst times. But Biden was really great on Parks & Rec. (Disclaimer: another fake tweet)
Someday our grandchildren will ask us if we remember when the U.S. government SHUT DOWN (sure, it happened before, but can't we learn from our mistakes? Apparently not). You’re adults. Play nice. Or at least don’t make the entire country suffer your bullshit. I can’t believe everyone in power at the time of the shutdown wasn’t thrown out of office, but THIS is the world we live in. (Yup, another altered tweet coming right up)
This one had to be truncated for Twitter’s 140-character rule. It should read in its entirety, “You down with the TPP? Yeah, you know me! So you’ll know that I’m down with shadow government trade agreements that conceal the worst parts of their legislation for four years after they're passed to ensure corporations can supersede sovereign nations. Who's down with the TPP?” Hey, remember that running gag about his administration being THE! MOST! TRANSPARENT! IN HISTORY?!?! Well, the Trans-Pacific Partnership is the hilarious punch line to his years long setup. (And for our final fake tweet...)
Image Courtesy: White House Flickr Account
John Adams, the first vice president, may have once said, “The Vice Presidency is the most insignificant office that ever the invention of man contrived or his imagination conceived.” But that was before the world had YouTube or iPhones. Now, Obama starts each day Biden his time with a few giggles and guffaws.
So, maybe not ALL of these tweets are 100% accurate, but I think I know a little more about Twitter than the president. Just ask 309 loyal followers. What’s that? Obama has 2.33 million followers? Well, I’ll be dipped.
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