GOP Debate Watch: Off The Grid's Alex Logan Offers New Campaign Songs for the Republican Candidates

Before the Dirty Dozen (Plus Seven) GOP candidates make asses of themselves in 2016 (more so than they already have) with more reckless campaign song choices [link to part one], here are a few APPROPRIATE songs that will actually represent the men behind the music – all of them by Iron Maiden. Why? Because Iron Maiden is sweet, and their face-melting power riffs were made to rile up the masses… in support of the Republican Party!

(*NOTE: I know nothing about Iron Maiden’s political views, but I do know they rock. And if any of the GOP candidates want to beat Bernie Sanders – which they probably won’t – they should get with the program and learn how to rock like Iron Maiden).

GOVERNOR SCOTT WALKER (R-WI)
“Powerslave” from the album, Powerslave (1984).

This Koch Brothers puppet is the titular “Powerslave,” who laments his face when he sings,
“When the Life Giver dies,
All around is laid to waste,
And in my last hour,
I’m a slave to the Power of Death.”
When Charles and Donald Koch shuffle off this mortal coil, Scott Walker’s body will fall slack, drooping on its marionette strings, desperately searching in vain for a new puppet master to take control.

FORMER GOVERNOR JEB BUSH (R-FL)
“Purgatory” from the album, Killers (1981).

Photo Courtesy: Wiki Commons

We thought the country was going to improve over the past eight years, but clearly we’re living the vast, never-ending wastelands of “Purgatory” if we vote another rascal from the Bush family into office. And when I think of continuing the Bush Dynasty and War Machine, I sing to myself the final lines of this Iron Maiden masterpiece, “Please take me away, take me away, so far away.”

FORMER GOVERNOR MIKE HUCKABEE (R-AR)
Wrathchild” from the album, Killers (1981).

Photo Courtesy: Wiki Common

All hate and no substance, Huckabee was born out of the neo-conservatives’ need for a straw man to embody their regressive ideals. He is almost a Superman of those disenfranchised by progress: The gays are getting too many rights! Send in Huckabee-Man to make a speech about putting them in their place! Plus, I can only assume that Mike has the intellect of a child after hearing his comments about pretending to be transgender, so that he can hide in the girls’ shower.

SENATOR RAND PAUL (R-KY)
“Run to the Hills” from the album, The Number of the Beast (1982).

This song goes out to the ladies, who better “Run to the Hills” if Rando gets elected! Rand Paul may be the least despicable of the GOP candidates, because he actually challenged the USA PATRIOT Act and the NSA, but when it comes to women’s rights, he’d rather they not have them. He sponsored the Personhood Act to strip women of their right to choose, because honestly, father will always know best in the Paul household.

FORMER SENATOR RICK SANTORUM (R-PA)
“Public Enema Number One” from the album, No Prayer for the Dying (1990).

I chose this forgettable, minor Maiden effort only because Santorum and scatological humor go hand-in-hand. Just Google the definition of Rick’s last name, and you’ll see what I’m talking about.

CARLY FIORINA
“Bring Your Daughter… To the Slaughter” from the album, No Prayer for the Dying (1990).

HP was her killing fields, where she laid off 30,000 employees, and then later joked about the incident on Late Night With Seth Meyers (but don’t worry, Carly, no one was watching you or that show, ever). Her employees had families to support, but President Fiorina would lead them all – daughters included – to slaughter.

GOVERNOR CHRIS CHRISTIE (R-NJ)
“Lord of Light” from the album, A Matter of Life and Death (2006).

For the rotund New Jersey governor, you wouldn’t expect him to ever be described as “light,” but this passage of the song is the true clincher:
“We are not worthy in your black and blazing eyes
We gather demons in the mirror every day.
The bridge of darkness casts a shadow on us all,
And all our sins to you we give this day.”
Although Americans have particularly short memories, Bridgegate will cast a shadow over everything Christie does as a presidential candidate, and it should.

SENATOR TED CRUZ (R-TX)
“Flight of Icarus” from the album, Piece of Mind (1983).

Rafael “Ted” Cruz has been floating on waxen wings for too long. Like the subject of the Greek myth, Cruz will surely fly too close to the sun, his wax wings will melt, and he will come crashing back down to the earth. Don’t believe me? Take a look at this sordid attempt to appeal to young voters by exhibiting his best impressions of your favorite Simpsons characters.

FORMER GOVERNOR RICK PERRY (R-TX)
“Invaders” from the album, The Number of the Beast (1982).

“They’re coming over the hill
They’ve come to attack
They’re coming in for the kill
There’s no turning back
Invaders… Fighting!
Invaders… Marauding!
The hordes of illegal immigrants comin’ to TAKE OUR JOBS must keep Rick “Oops” Perry awake every night. He’s even mused about seceding from the union, because the government hasn’t done enough to stop illegal immigrants.

GOVERNOR BOBBY JINDAL (R-LA)
“Fear Is the Key” from the album Fear of the Dark (1992).

“Now we live, in a world of uncertainty
Fear is the key – To what you want to be!”Bobby Jindal has repeatedly warned us about the dangers and “acts of barbarism” inherent in Islam. After the Chattanooga shootings, he is ready to declare war on the extremists with, what else, but MORE EXTREMISM! He leads the GOP hopefuls in fear-mongering and knows it will be the key to a successful campaign.

DONALD TRUMP
“The Alchemist” from the album, The Final Frontier (2010).

The Donald must be an alchemist – it’s the only explanation for how a man of such limited faculties has been able to turn literal shit into gold. He even spun his receding hairline into a golden coif that reaches nearly to the heavens (NOTE: look, I know I already linked that picture once, but it’s just too good not to see again). He’s an awful person, who says awful things, and somehow he turns all of this awfulness into a fortune and voter support (in case you don’t click, HE IS WAY OUT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER GOP CANDIDATES ACCORDING TO THE WASHINGTON POST’S POLL)!

AND THEN THERE IS EVERYBODY ELSE…
SENATOR MARCO RUBIO (R-FL)
SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM (R-SC)
FORMER GOVERNOR GEORGE PATAKI (R-NY)
GOVENOR JOHN KASICH (R-OH)
MARK EVERSON
DR. BEN CARSON
FORMER GOVERNOR JIM GILMORE (R-VA)
“Twilight Zone” from the album, Killers (1981).
[No pictures needed]

We’d have to be living in The Twilight Zone, or at least a terrifying alternate universe, if any of the other seven candidates had a snowball’s chance in hell of getting elected to president. Honestly, Jim Gilmore? Who the hell are you, and why do you think you have the brand recognition to become president? You’re going to have to start spewing one hundred pounds per square inch of pure vitriol and nonsense to even begin to catch up with Trump. Throw in the towels, guys.You’re lucky to even be considered in the same category as the golden god that is The Donald.