And another one bites the dust! The Grand Old Party once again thins the herd as Governor Scott Walker drops out of the race for most presidential candidates of all time.
According to the New York Times, “The short answer is money. He’s made a decision not to limp into Iowa.” A huge disappointment, I know, as we all wanted to see what other insanely asinine ideas he could come up with between now and Iowa. But don’t fret, readers, we still have Huckabee, Cruz, Trump, Fiorina, Carson, Hillary, etc etc etc.
So why doesn’t Walker have the money? I’m sure it has NOTHING to do with the Koch Brothers deciding not to back him, after Walker claimed they were. Scott was so close with the fabulously progressive Brothers Koch that he once took a call from someone pretending to be David, which resulted in this absolutely hilarious gem right here:
FAKE DAVID KOCH: Bring a baseball bat. That’s what I’d do.
WALKER: I have one in my office; you’d be happy with that. I got a slugger with my name on it.
FAKE DAVID KOCH: Beautiful.
Scott also gave us quite possibly the grandest Grand Old Party headline of all time (thanks to some genius protestors and a little brilliant writing at GQ): Area Man Boldly Claims Scott Walker Lives Inside His Butt.
Bask in the warm glow of that for a moment or two.
In honor of Scott’s exit and his “love-hate”/”will-they-won’t-they” relationship with the Kochs, let’s play him out with his “official” campaign song (that I picked for him without any input from Scott or anyone affiliated with his office), “Powerslave” by metal gods, Iron Maiden:
“When the Life Giver dies,
All around is laid to waste,
And in my last hour,
I’m a slave to the Power of Death.”
See you when you’re up for reelection in 2018! Let’s hope Wisconsin takes a hard look at your record before then.
The views and opinions expressed herein are those of the authors alone and do not necessarily reflect the views of Ora Media, LLC its affiliates, or its employees.
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