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If You Only Knew: Matt Walsh

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If You Only Knew: Eric Andre

Larry King NowAug 05 '16

Comedian Eric Andre – of Adult Swim’s ‘The Eric Andre Show’ – doesn’t disappoint in this strange, hilarious, and morbid segment of ‘If You Only Knew.’

Larry: We play a little game now. I just I just throw questions at you Eric and you try to answer.

Eric: Larry legend in the house!

Larry: Do you have a secret talent?

Eric: We should do this every week.

Larry: Do you have - I should go on your show.

Eric: You should come on my show. I would love nothing more.

Larry: And I'll bring oatmeal. Do you have -

Eric: I feel like I lost you at the oatmeal.

Larry: Do you have a secret talent?

Eric: Yes.

Larry: What is it?

Eric: I can 69 with Larry King. Anytime I want to.

Larry: No you can't.
Larry: Comedian you most admire?

Eric: Larry King.

Larry: Guilty pleasure?

Eric: Larry King!

Larry: Who out there is weirder than you?

Eric: Larry King, baby!

Larry: Do you know anyone weirder than you?

Eric: Oh, I don't know. Who are you gonna vote for?

Larry: Mr. Johnson.

Eric: LBJ?

Larry: Noooo.

Eric: He's dead.

Larry: Governor Johnson. The candidate on the Libertarian ticket. It's my protest vote.

Eric: Really?

Larry: Only kidding.

Eric: Assalamualaikum, my brother. Preach!

Larry: I never announce who I'm voting for. Never in my whole career did I ever -

Eric: Really? 'Cause you don't want to -

Larry: I don't want to -

Eric: You don't want to divide your audience.

Larry: I have to be objective. Okay -

Eric: No you don't.

Larry: What do you think of this election?

Eric: I think it's sassy.

Larry: Sassy.

Larry: What makes you angry?

Eric: Larry King

Larry: I love when you book the intellectuals. Keep this up!

Eric: What do you want me to say?

Larry: Keep booking these professors to enhance my knowledge.

Eric: Do you want me to get on my high horse and be like, "Yes, I'm glad you asked."

Larry: What is a high horse?

Eric: What is catch a tiger by the tail or whatever the hell you said before?

Larry: Who would you trade places with for a day?

Eric: Larry King! No, uhhh… Oprah. No. Yes. I don't know, whatever you want me to say.

Larry: You'd be a woman.

Eric: I would.

Larry: Would - you want me to be a guest on your show?

Eric: I do. I thought we already established that.

Larry: What's the best -

Eric: I'm trying to have a connection with you and you're just glued to the cards.

Larry: What's the best piece of advice you ever got?

Eric: Gosh, I don't know. Don't listen to anybody.

Larry: What does your father do?

Eric: My dad's a psychiatrist.

Larry: Oh boy! Is that the truth?

Eric: That is the truth.

Larry: So he works at home?

Eric: You want something Zoloft? I can hook you up, my man.

Larry: He is a psychiatrist.

Eric: My dad's a psychiatrist.

Larry: Are you a patient?

Eric: Wellbutrin, Zoloft, I got it. Paxil.

Larry: Are you a patient?

Eric: No. But I would snort Propecia if you forced me to do it.

Larry: Where does your father practice?

Eric: Boca Raton, Florida, where I'm from. You know Boca Raton?

Larry: I know it well, lived in Miami 20 years.

Eric: Well, what the hell? Why don't you holler at me? We'll go out.

Larry: When I lived in Miami, Jewish people couldn't live in Boca Raton.

Eric: Are you a Jew? I'm a Jew.

Larry: I'm a Jew. You're -

Eric: My mom's a Jew, I'm black and Jewish. You didn't do enough Wikipedi-ing! My mom's a Jew, I'm Ashkenazi Jew on my mom's side and my dad is a black. He's a Haitian man. My dad's a black psychiatrist and my mom is from the Upper West Side of New York.

Larry: My, what a marriage.

Eric: Yeah. L'Chaim.

Larry: Any brothers or sisters?

Eric: I got an older sister.

Larry: What does she do?

Eric: She works for the government health services.

Larry: Are you proud of her?

Eric: Yeah, of course.

Larry: Is your family proud of you?

Eric: Absolutely not. I went to Israel and they wouldn't let me in. I went on Birthright. If you don't believe I'm a Jew I can show you. I'm circumcised.

Larry: That doesn't mean you're a Jew, every kid is circumcised.

Eric: I did it myself. Freehand. The mohel wouldn't let me in.

Larry: Did it hurt?

Eric: It was a rush. It was a rush.

Larry: You had a high from this.

Eric: I was on - I just did it in the bathroom.

Larry: Eric, where do you see your future? What do you -

Eric: Let's pray. Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheinu, Melech Ha’Olam -

Larry: Where do you want to go with this talent? - I mean, let's say, give me you at age forty. What are you doing?

Eric: Forty... I want to I always dreamed about killing myself on stage because you can only do that once, and no one's ever really done it. And wouldn't it be an amazing show?

Larry: Andy Kaufman thought about it.

Eric: Yeah wouldn't it be crazy to see something live and then their head exploded on the stage? Not in a depressive way, in like an exciting way.

Larry: And how would you lead up to it?

Eric: You know, a lot of Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn...

Larry: Come in, watch this, so you'd get a huge audience

Eric: Huge audience! Two, three...

Larry: Would you book a hall?

Eric: I'd book a hall, I'd book a corridor, whatever. Whatever it takes.

Larry: What method would you use kill yourself?

Eric: I think I would sky dive without a parachute into the building. Ah, onto a bed of nails. That would be a show.

Larry: In other words, the ground wouldn't be good enough. The nails would add to it.

Eric: Bed of nails. It would be like god damn Cirque de Soleil.

Larry: Do you think you would have fear on your way down?

Eric: I think I think I would have a lot of fear and excitement.

Larry: Eric, I will attend -

Eric: How many kids you got?

Larry: Five.

Eric: Wow. Is it scary? Fatherhood?

Larry: Well three are grown and two are teenagers.

Eric: But when you first became a dad?

Larry: Sure.

Eric: You had to be nervous.

Larry: Are you a father yet?

Eric: I want to. I hate condoms.

Larry: It's the best thing in the world.

Eric: Really?

Larry: The best.

Eric: So I should just be squirting -

Larry: Be a father you'll never be unhappy with a kid.

Eric: Larry.

Larry: Eric, great, I'll be on your show Eric.

Eric: I love you.