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Kute Blackson & A.R. Bernard on life and love

Larry King NowSep 21 '16

Authors and self-help experts Kute Blackson & A.R. Bernard join Larry to discuss the elusive pursuit of happiness, how to sustain a marriage over the long term, and the role social media is playing in our relationships with ourselves and others.

Self-help author Kute Blackson – who wrote ‘You are the One’ – addresses the rewards that come from a life focused on personal growth and achievement, rather than one devoted to seeking external affirmations. He speaks to each person’s need to find self-love and self-validation, and how social media can distract from both.

Kute Blackson draws upon his background of travel and discussion to help people redirect their focus, asking people to both confront their fear of death and to live with purpose in every moment. He speaks to our ability to find happiness within ourselves, and the importance of turning off the background noise that distracts from the search for one’s own truth.

Then Larry sits down with pastor – and author of the book ‘Four Things Women Want From a Man’ – A.R. Bernard to discuss those four traits in depth. A.R. Bernard highlights the importance of maturity, decisiveness, consistency, and strength as the four qualities that have remained a constant in his years as both a counselor and a married man.


*Posted Online on Ora.TV on Sept 21th 2016:

“You know I think many of us, we are looking outside of ourselves. We are looking outside of ourselves for love. We are looking outside of ourselves for someone to come and save us. And what I realized is no one’s, no one’s coming. You know, the government’s not going to save you. The aliens aren’t coming. I mean ultimately, we have the power within ourselves.” – Kute Blackson on the inspiration for his book’s title.

“Sometimes you might get everything that you thought you wanted only to realize that wasn’t really, really it. And so much of our culture distracts us. So much of our culture, social media, and television, and what have you, distracts us from who we really are. So I think it’s important that we remember who we really are at the core.” – Kute Blackson on finding true happiness.

“I think every experience is your teaching. And everything, I, I believe that we are here on this planet to grow and evolve. To become who we really are, to become the highest version of ourselves. So every single experience, every single relationship, I think helps evolve us and teaches us about who we are. Gives us the opportunity for that. So I say who we are today, every experience, who we are today has helped us become who we are. And ultimately give our gifts to the world.” – Kute Blackson on forgiveness and honoring those who have caused us pain.

“If you’re not going to love yourself, who’s going to? No one is going to love you like, like you imagine in your wildest dreams. So that’s why I say, ‘you are the one.’ Stop waiting for anything to be different.” – Kute Blackson on the importance of loving yourself.

“I think one of the sources of suffering is where we get obsessed with ourselves. So we have to be aware of that line. Where, where is it self-obsession, where is it true self-loving?” – Kute Blackson on the difference between egomania and self-love.

“You know I think social media is a very externally focused medium, and two things: I think it distracts us from who we are because so many of us are constantly on social media checking for ‘how many likes?’ ‘how many people commented on our posts?’ and it focuses our attention not inside but outside. And I think to really be centered and to listen to what our truth is, what our calling is, what we really feel we have to go inside. And I think those things tend to focus us externally so one of the things I encourage people, my clients, is to have a detox day. A digital detox day where you unplug from social media for a day and as a result you get to listen to what you really feel, you get to listen to the truth inside.” – Kute Blackson on the role that social media has on us seeking external validation.

“I don’t think the question is ‘what happens when you die?’ because that’s what we often ask, and we have theories about it. I think the real focus should be ‘how am I going to live my life now, right this moment, this second?’ And many of us, we don’t live. We’re living like we’re dead. So I think that takes more courage, to live this moment.” – Kute Blackson on what happens after we die.

“Sometimes circumstances do change. But I believe that if you don’t change, if we don’t change inside of ourselves mentally, emotionally, spiritually, then you might leave that circumstance but you’ll recreate another circumstance or another situation or another relationship that is the same. You know there’s a whole principle ‘wherever you go, there you are.’ You take yourself with you.” – Kute Blackson on whether or not people can change.

“The moment we’re born death is the only guarantee. I say if you want to live fully, if you want to be free, make death your friend. You know, like, embrace death. It is a reality.” – Kute Blackson on the importance of facing death in order to live a full life.

“I think a great starting point is to tell the truth to yourself. So many of us are living lives that are not authentic. Not intentionally it’s just, it’s just how we’ve done things based on our conditioning, based on our programming, based on what our parents want. We’re not living the life that we were truly here to live. So I think a starting point for anyone is to tell the truth to yourself. Look at, ‘where am I lying to myself? Where am I being inauthentic? Is the life I’m living the life I truly want to be living?’ A question I ask people is, ‘what am I pretending to not know?’” – Kute Blackson on how people can start living their most authentic lives.

“I believe in spirituality, of course. I believe that we all have the capacity to know and experience God. How we codify it is what distinguishes one religion from another and one experience from another.” – A.R. Bernard and the different interpretations of belief.

“Men and women are different. We think different. We function differently. We process things differently. That’s a reality.” – A.R. Bernard on overcoming the challenges of understanding the female mind.

“40 to 50% of marriages end in divorce, first marriages end in divorce. And it goes up to 60% when we’re talking about second marriages. You know? So there’s a need for a set of values, a set of principles, and tools that we can use, subscribe to, that help us in our relationship.” – A.R. Bernard on why it’s important to have guidance when sustaining a relationship.

“It’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind. But men? Women want us to be decisive. And that’s part of leadership in their mind. And in order to be decisive, well what is decisiveness? It is the ability to make decisions quickly and confidently. And in order to do that you need a set of values, a set of principles that guide your life. What’s most important to you? What do you stand for? What are you willing to pay the price for? What are you willing to die for, essentially? You know, a set of values, a set of principles. And when you have them to guide your life you can make quick, confident decisions.” – A.R. Bernard and the importance of male decisiveness within a relationship.

“I think long-term commitment is really the test because, why does a person get married 4, 5 times? Usually it’s because they never resolved the failure in the first relationship so they take those same problems, and issues, and baggage into the next relationship” – A.R. Bernard on whether or not someone who has been married multiple times can be a relationship expert.

“Social media allows us to take on an identity that is really not who we are just to sell ourselves in order to get a date. And that’s, that’s a problem.” – A.R. Bernard on the role that social media has in relationships.

“I would say communication is the biggest problem. There are so many voices beyond the voice of the husband and wife. There are all of these voices that are coming at them, they’re inundated with information, philosophies, values, views that are inconsistent with their own philosophies and values. And I think that makes it difficult, because communication is not in the ability to speak it’s in your ability to hear, to listen. And that’s an art. You have to develop that art because it has to be with the total person.” – A.R. Bernard on why communication is the most problematic area of any relationship.

“Love is about commitment, it’s about loyalty. It’s about long-term working out of a relationship because you’re not really married at, on the wedding day, or the honeymoon. It’s when you have that first conflict and you work through it and you decide to stay in the relationship. That’s when marriage really begins, because relationships are forged in the crucible of crisis. Especially when we’re talking about a relationship so close as marriage.” – A.R. Bernard on the necessity of marriage to a successful long-term relationship.