Cruz, Rand, Walker? Nope. Carson? No way. There was a bigger loser last night.

CNN threw down the gauntlet (TWICE!) last night and Trump came out swinging. Hard. The debate was less of a dog-and-pony spectacle than the first Fox News debate, but that doesn’t mean the whole thing wasn’t a big, steaming pile of horseshit. I’ve said it a number of times, and I’ll keep saying it every time they do one of these things, WE ARE OVER 415 DAYS UNTIL THE ELECTION. NONE OF THIS MATTERS!

The Governor bestowed me with the high honor of tweeting from his official account all night long -- that’s over six hours of pure, heavy debatin’! And for those brief, but wonderful hours @Pun_Control and @GovJVentura were one and the same. I sent out hundreds of tweets (and shot a coming video of our exclusive access to CNN’s Spin Room), effectively turning my brain to a thick and sticky jelly by the end of the night.

Now that I’ve had a little time to step back and think over what happened last night (and take a trip down memory lane to read over my tweets), here’s what I gleaned about what happened: Nothing important, but a lot of bad.

The Kids’ Table Debate of George Pataki, Rick Santorum, Bobby Jindal, and Lindsey Graham was merely a Trump appetizer for the coming Buffet o’ Trump at the main event. Although we were treated to Lindsey Graham foaming at the mouth to get back to the Middle East and get to murder more Muslims, and Rick Santorum’s near meltdown as he told us to stand with the bigoted bakers of America.

Then after a quick reset (and the adding of a ton more podiums to prop up the premiere puppet presidential candidates), the big showdown began -- although it actually means nothing, no one is any closer or further away from being president, and it all STILL comes down to who has the deepest pockets behind the scenes (just ask Sheldon Adelson, or the Brothers Koch who they are going to back, because that’s all that really matters -- right, Scott Walker?).

Trump acted like a dick. Jeb had a couple Red Bulls this time, maybe took a boxing class, because he didn’t let himself get steamrolled this time around. Ted Cruz got misty-eyed whenever called upon, while he beamed like the last girl to get asked to prom finally finding her male suitor. John Kasich leaned on his podium, like the whole thing was a big fucking wank (SPOILER: it was!).

But you all probably watched it, or you saw the insane commentary from the ten billion other “journalists” using their “journalism” degrees to “journalize” this “journalistic” event. This is really what I’m left with after watching the event…

We have a real problem with women in this country. A fucking sick, sad, awful distaste for allowing our female better-halves from achieving anything or having any control over their own bodies. Planned Parenthood is not an evil corporation. Even if those baby body part selling videos were completely genuine in what the GOP claims they depict (AND THEY ARE NOT), Planned Parenthood spends so little time aborting babies, it should NOT be what they are known for.

Here, I’ll give you an example. I’d say in his heyday of playing for the Bulls, Michael Jordan spent a comparable time shaving his bald head in his daily routine to the amount of time that a Planned Parenthood spends performing (COMPLETELY LEGAL AND NECESSARY) abortions among its many, many, MANY tasks (like women’s healthcare, mammograms, STD screenings, etc.), that it performs day-to-day. But we don’t know Michael Jordan as the head shaving guy. No, he’s a FAMOUS FUCKING BASKETBALL PLAYER. Planned Parenthood needs a rebranding. STAT. They should talk to Jordan’s publicist.

But almost every single candidate vowed to defund Planned Parenthood on Day One. Fuck immigration, Iran, Israel, and all the other I’s that threaten our daily life, women are not getting access to the care they need when these people hit the Oval Office.

What a mockery that after what seemed like endless hours of pure, unadulterated hate for women and they bodies was it that CNN asked these chauvinist pigs: What woman should be on the new $10 bill? Seriously. What the fuck? Women can be on our money as long as they aren’t trying to have vaginas.

So that’s who lost last night: the wonderful women of this great country. They were treated to two rounds of rich, privileged dicks telling them they were going to do everything in their combined powers to take away all of theirs.

Don’t believe me? Carly Fiorina argued that women don’t need to be on currency, because they aren’t a special interest group. I get what she’s going for, but what that said to me is that when a woman runs for the GOP nomination -- THE NUMBER ONE SPOT IN ALL OF AMERICA -- well, she better still act like a second-class citizen.

The views and opinions expressed herein are those of the authors alone and do not necessarily reflect the views of Ora Media, LLC its affiliates, or its employees.

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